My Pride
The invention or rather discovery language by humanity is regarded as the most important of all. Because, without the language for communication modern civilization would not have progressed further. Nevertheless we cannot pride (oops…!) ourselves to have achieved much in the refining of that tool. In any language the words symbolize more than one meaning. And easily you can be misunderstood. And ‘Pride’ is one such word.
There are five meanings to this proud word. It used mostly as a noun and rarely as verb, when it is used “to value a skill or good quality that you have”. It can be used to denote “a feeling of pleasure and satisfaction that you get because you or people connected with you have done or possess or done something good”. And it also can used indicate “the feeling of your own worth and respect for yourself” – self-esteem. Or can disapprovingly to “the belief that you are better or more important than other people”. Lastly, it is used for indicating “a group of lions”. It all depends on the context of use.
Now when do I have this feeling of Pride? The feeling of fulfillment; that I have something I value. It can be after a good meal. After which I may feel that I have a wife who can cook really tasty food for me. It can be when my daughter gets Class first or second. The feeling that my daughter is better than the 23 other kids studying in her class. I can feel proud for thousand other reasons. After I buy a new electronic gadget like a mobile phone, iPod etc. More importantly this my heart swells with this feeling when I buy something costly like a plot of land or a new car. The vital thing is that on all these occasions I need to compare myself (or people I ‘own’) somebody else.
There are times I feel proud of my intellectual bent of mind, and about my ability to understand abstract concepts. No fact I happen to be very arrogant. During my college years I used read the lessons even before my professor had taught them in the class. I used find fault at their classes and embarrass them. I was proud of my accomplishments. But, one of my professors called me alone and admonished me about my teasing the teachers. I put an end to that habit then and there. It was only recently my psychological knowledge reveal to me the motive behind my behaviour. My pride got a serious blow as a result of my surprisingly low cut-off marks required to enter the professional courses. And I could not study MBBS, which was my ambition. In order to hide my hurt I was inflicting hurt on my lecturers. Strange … but true.
I remember an interesting incident. I was at my aunt’s place for the eight standard summer vacation. It so happened that one night the phone bell was ringing continuously. My aunt was a gynecologist and she normally gets emergency phone calls from her hospital. That night I woke up and found everybody asleep. I attended the phone. It was indeed an emergency. And I informed my aunt about the emergency. My aunt was so happy that she kissed me on my forehead and promised to buy me a gift and hurried for the hospital. But, the tragedy was she forgot about the whole episode. I did not feel pride on my achievement. It was because nobody knew about it. And, I did not want to reveal it myself.
When my parent came to pick me up I was eagerly awaiting my aunt revealing my great feat. Thanks to my mom’s enquiry about my behaviour during the holiday. She remembered the incident. I was joyfully anticipating the reward. The anticlimax was that it was a wrong call for some other doctor. And my aunt had to spend the rest of the night at the hospital. She did not say anything about it fearing that I may feel bad. On hearing this from mom, I did feel bad then. She loved me so much that she did not want to break my tender heart. Now twenty years later I am proud of my aunt. The perspective has changed.
I have a car. And I am so proud about it. It is a matiz. It makes me feel good. Until I see my friends car, which is a stylish and bigger Ford fiesta. I am surprised. I don’t make such comparisons. But these come up from our unconscious mind, and you are caught unawares. Previously I used to feel guilty for feeling jealous about my friends possessions. And the thought used to linger long in my mind. I have come to understand that pride and jealousy are related feelings. You will frequently alternate between these two states, if you are playing the game of comparison. Now of late I just do not give attention to the thought. And it just evaporates like a passing cloud without a trace.
The vanity of the modern life has had its impact on me. And it is only a reflective study of spiritual readings helped to be aware of my pride. In fact during a period of time I was very proud of my progress on the path. However I had frequently received jolts from the existence and realized my folly. But I cannot say with confidence that I have completely absolved myself from my pride. But I can vouchsafe my capacity to detect when it raises its ugly head. Soon the awareness melts away the icy feeling of pride. Even during this exercise of writing I was comparing myself with my good friend, Madhan. I was feeling proud for some reason and inferior for some other. But it did not take me long time to recognize my discomfiture. I could smoothly tide over the uneasy ripple in my consciousness.
The invention or rather discovery language by humanity is regarded as the most important of all. Because, without the language for communication modern civilization would not have progressed further. Nevertheless we cannot pride (oops…!) ourselves to have achieved much in the refining of that tool. In any language the words symbolize more than one meaning. And easily you can be misunderstood. And ‘Pride’ is one such word.
There are five meanings to this proud word. It used mostly as a noun and rarely as verb, when it is used “to value a skill or good quality that you have”. It can be used to denote “a feeling of pleasure and satisfaction that you get because you or people connected with you have done or possess or done something good”. And it also can used indicate “the feeling of your own worth and respect for yourself” – self-esteem. Or can disapprovingly to “the belief that you are better or more important than other people”. Lastly, it is used for indicating “a group of lions”. It all depends on the context of use.
Now when do I have this feeling of Pride? The feeling of fulfillment; that I have something I value. It can be after a good meal. After which I may feel that I have a wife who can cook really tasty food for me. It can be when my daughter gets Class first or second. The feeling that my daughter is better than the 23 other kids studying in her class. I can feel proud for thousand other reasons. After I buy a new electronic gadget like a mobile phone, iPod etc. More importantly this my heart swells with this feeling when I buy something costly like a plot of land or a new car. The vital thing is that on all these occasions I need to compare myself (or people I ‘own’) somebody else.
There are times I feel proud of my intellectual bent of mind, and about my ability to understand abstract concepts. No fact I happen to be very arrogant. During my college years I used read the lessons even before my professor had taught them in the class. I used find fault at their classes and embarrass them. I was proud of my accomplishments. But, one of my professors called me alone and admonished me about my teasing the teachers. I put an end to that habit then and there. It was only recently my psychological knowledge reveal to me the motive behind my behaviour. My pride got a serious blow as a result of my surprisingly low cut-off marks required to enter the professional courses. And I could not study MBBS, which was my ambition. In order to hide my hurt I was inflicting hurt on my lecturers. Strange … but true.
I remember an interesting incident. I was at my aunt’s place for the eight standard summer vacation. It so happened that one night the phone bell was ringing continuously. My aunt was a gynecologist and she normally gets emergency phone calls from her hospital. That night I woke up and found everybody asleep. I attended the phone. It was indeed an emergency. And I informed my aunt about the emergency. My aunt was so happy that she kissed me on my forehead and promised to buy me a gift and hurried for the hospital. But, the tragedy was she forgot about the whole episode. I did not feel pride on my achievement. It was because nobody knew about it. And, I did not want to reveal it myself.
When my parent came to pick me up I was eagerly awaiting my aunt revealing my great feat. Thanks to my mom’s enquiry about my behaviour during the holiday. She remembered the incident. I was joyfully anticipating the reward. The anticlimax was that it was a wrong call for some other doctor. And my aunt had to spend the rest of the night at the hospital. She did not say anything about it fearing that I may feel bad. On hearing this from mom, I did feel bad then. She loved me so much that she did not want to break my tender heart. Now twenty years later I am proud of my aunt. The perspective has changed.
I have a car. And I am so proud about it. It is a matiz. It makes me feel good. Until I see my friends car, which is a stylish and bigger Ford fiesta. I am surprised. I don’t make such comparisons. But these come up from our unconscious mind, and you are caught unawares. Previously I used to feel guilty for feeling jealous about my friends possessions. And the thought used to linger long in my mind. I have come to understand that pride and jealousy are related feelings. You will frequently alternate between these two states, if you are playing the game of comparison. Now of late I just do not give attention to the thought. And it just evaporates like a passing cloud without a trace.
The vanity of the modern life has had its impact on me. And it is only a reflective study of spiritual readings helped to be aware of my pride. In fact during a period of time I was very proud of my progress on the path. However I had frequently received jolts from the existence and realized my folly. But I cannot say with confidence that I have completely absolved myself from my pride. But I can vouchsafe my capacity to detect when it raises its ugly head. Soon the awareness melts away the icy feeling of pride. Even during this exercise of writing I was comparing myself with my good friend, Madhan. I was feeling proud for some reason and inferior for some other. But it did not take me long time to recognize my discomfiture. I could smoothly tide over the uneasy ripple in my consciousness.
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